Studying all day is beginning to be a little bit wearisome. And by a little bit, I really mean a lot, and by a lot, I mean I currently enjoy the idea of sporking my eyes out more than I do the thought of getting up and studying tomorrow. (For those of you who don't remember sporks, they are odd Frankenstein-esque spoon-fork combos used in schools, or at least they were back in my day).
Recently, I have doubted myself and the validity of my pursuit of an MD. Why? Because it's hard. It's long hours, hours away from my husband and daughter; it's stressful, and sometimes (sometimes translates as: almost always) more than I think I can handle.
However, I had the pleasure of reading an adapted address given by Elder Jeffery R. Holland where he talks specifically about doubt (thanks to an awesome woman who found/posted it on her FB page).
Boiled down- he says, "What? You think you have problems? That YOUR problems are unique? You think you're the only one who has EVER felt unpopular/been asked by the Lord to do the impossible/ had health issues/ been away from your family/ felt untalented/incapable/inferior? -- Think again, look to the scriptures, look at Moses (40 years wandering in the desert leading a people who did nothing but grumble, and never being able to enter the promised land), look at Job (uhm yikes!), Jesus, Ester, Aaron, Abraham (being asked to sacrifice his son!). You're not the only one to have problems." He goes on to explain, among other things, that doubt (often self-doubt) is a tool of the Devil, used mercilessly to hamper the children of God, to keep them from fulfilling their God given potential. The Devil uses doubt expertly to erode your self worth- and your ability to follow the Spirit and thus God's will.
Well I'm not one to give up my "my problems suck" attitude very easily. So I studied further and fortuitously came upon D&C 121 and 122. Let me explain, no is too much, lemme sum up (if you can tell me what movie that's from, I'll give you a cookie- I promise). Joseph Smith Jr has been in Liberty Jail, MO for quite a while, and conditions = not fun. And while HE was praying to Heavenly Father he gets the response, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes...Thou art not yet as Job" (D&C 121:7-10)." ..."if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good" (D&C 122:7).
That last part gets me... all these things shall give experience, and shall be for thy good. In the midst of trials, it can be so difficult to look past them, and to see the adversity through Heavenly Father's eyes. But trying to helps, and certainly seems to sustain me through another day without sporking my eyes out. (Although it's still a tempting idea, I think I'd look pretty awesome with an eye patch).
At the end of the day- I think the take home message that God's been trying to give me is, "Chillax. As long as you're doing what I've asked you to do, you're going to be fine. Trust me. My hand is over you. I won't lead you where you can't safely go... not that it won't be hard sometimes, but I've got your back." Not that I think Heavenly Father talks like that, but you know, it's the meaning of the message.
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